anonymous gyaru machine.

One of my favorite ladybloggers, Belle de Jour, came out as a research scientist this week, saying she was a prostitute to pay for her Ph.D.

This resonates with me on quite a few levels, since while I was having troubles making ends meet at ( ) and I was also getting hit on by bored tourists in Waikiki with money to burn who were offering to take me out to dinner. I didn't take any of them up on it - but I thought about it. And I don't see a huge difference between accepting goods for your company and accepting money for sex.

I'm not saying either is wrong, even - just not something I want to do, for various reasons including self-esteem problems.

I know some girls disagree with me on equating accepting expensive goods with accepting money, especially in the area where I grew up and especially here in Japan, but I've always been in what I like to hope is a more gender-forward universe. While Young has bought me expensive shit I buy him a lot of small stuffs and we always split dinner. (Our buying each other stuff habits speak to our individual personality/upbringing, but that's another post.)

If I ever get famous, which given my current troubles I doubt, I've already dropped enough hints that I'm sure people could figure out who I am pretty easily.

Oh well.

(Also, Belle/Brooke is pretty. Just saying.)

I purposely tried to do nothing this weekend, because I've been running around places every weekend now - and there was a national holiday on Tuesday. I've been nervous and upset over nothing all week.

I'm going to Osaka about every weekend now to visit Young, which isn't doing great things for expanding my social life (but great things for my wardrobe). However - happeningish plans to go to a hip-hop club next weekend with Japanese girl friends and maybe some others if I can rope them into it, and definitely house nation at Joule with just Young the weekend after that. I've noticed it's a lot easier to meet Japanese people when they and me are both drunk.

I think I have a huge "don't fuck with me" air - even higher since I tend toward b-girl and rock looks. Combine this with shy = difficult to make relationships of any sort.

(...also, thinking about it and unrelated, my tendency to hit on guys is frighteningly higher when drunk.)

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Friday night, in an undisclosed location, Young and I saw a guy hit on one in a group of two gyaru. The gyaru left with him, despite her friend clinging to her.

"I'm FINE," the first gyaru said.

"He didn't pick the hotter one," Young observed.

We went home and he cooked me dinner.

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Young and I have both gotten our first Japanese haircuts in the past couple weeks. I wimped out and didn't get a perm, though the stylist made it as if I had one and I saw what it would look like if I was hime ("princess") gyaru. It was cute. Scarily cute for me.

My hair is very similar to Japanese hair, except thinner, so they knew how to deal with it. Young's, however, is fiercely curly and turns into an afro if uncut for a while. (And yes, he's Euro in origin.) The first stylist he went to in his not-center-of-Osaka-with-cosmopolitan-stylists said "OK!!!" and cut his hair.

Young's comment on it was "I think he cut it with the expectation I'll use gel every day." Which he won't, but he did today. And it looks pretty good.

This is one of the most epic things I've ever seen.

P.S. I don't ever mention it but I'm kind of a politics otaku and love Wonkette.

God, I'm old.

Okay, so I don't want to talk about work much here because I don't want to be identified by one of my colleagues and because other than the funny things my kids say it's not that exciting

(I wasn't saying I don't like it)

BUT

A few days ago I saw a student who I'd never see if it weren't for a bit of luck, because she isn't in the normal class. Generally the kids who study with the counselor are bullied badly, or severely depressed, or both.

She was bouncy and happy and asked me a bunch of questions about my life. The questions started to get a little funny, like:

"Do you have the same cup sizing in America?"
"Are there gays and bisexuals in America?"

and

"I like to look at gravure idols and judge whether their boobs are real or fake."

- and I'm the right person to talk about this with, because I'm a pervert and not much can phase me anyway.

She is anatomically a he.

I am humbled for a lot of reasons. I can't admit I'm bi to most people, because of a fear of disbelief. To insist on carrying a female identity even though you know most people won't understand, and most people don't - well, that's gutsy. Maybe she's more sequestered for the sake of the gender-restricted people around her, that their minds won't be troubled by something that's beyond them.

I hope I get to talk with her again soon. Not gonna lie, also fun to talk to someone who has no problem with being outrageous because it's always what I want to do, and can't.

Posting photos of fun stuff all week on twitter!

(not identifiably of me - yet - sorry)

Will compile here later.

Why am I suddenly back to seventh-grade politics? Why do the people around me - including myself - act like my students?

I'm hanging with my Japanese friends and Young, and maybe going to try to invite some others. But if they don't respond, I'm done.

I'm done with trying to be interesting and freaking out about trying to be interesting to try and please people, to try and be popular with them. I was horrified to realize that last weekend after hanging out with some Japanese older people that there was a piece of food stuck in my tooth. This is the sort of thing I need to get the fuck over and laugh about. I'm clumsy and accident-prone and already interesting. And I already had a network of friends here when I got here, so I'm not sure why I'm trying to make more except this sudden resurgence of, again, seventh-grade-esque feelings that I want to be popular.

(It's part of the reason I like my job, it's like being a local celebrity - but it's EXHAUSTING, because I'm putting up a front every minute.)

I'm going to stop trying to control everything. Even if Young doesn't care, I care, and I'm tired of seeing myself act the same way. These are bad habits started in Hawaii, and they need to go, now. It's part of why people make me so frustrated - people are the variable element that I can't control. I just need to give it up.

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Next up is a picture post, I swear.

hay guys

Japan in one and a half days.

Am already sleep deprived.

Still trying to pack.

Having to throw clothes away.

Hate greedy, passive-aggressive landlords.

Can't wait to make real money (contract money good, but was not 40 hrs/paying bills).

Hope yen stays above dollar; probably won't.

Young is stressed :(

Am trying to convince him that it will be okay :)

Will miss beach :(

I'm kind of hungover and my throat is sore, so I think this was successful.

( Read more... )

But on the other sad end...I've forgotten how to dance. Which is sad, because I used to be the girl guys were sending their friends up to ask me to dance. But Young & I might go out to techno tonight!!-I hope this ends up happening. He doesn't like it because he can't drink - understandable - and I know there are lots of Shinsaibashi adventures still in store for us when he CAN - but it would make it a good weekend before I have to jump into Super Packing.

I bought egg this month. I hate reading on the computer to begin with, and if I want to pretend to read Japanese it's almost impossible because of the bad scan quality.

Things I learned from this month's egg:

( Read more... )

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In funny: The suteki to win all sutekis (scroll to the bottom), holy crap!

...is that rubbed injuries from slippers do seem to heal.

Compare this picture of my nail polish to today's. Nasty-ass red mark is gone! Nice.

The injuries were before I discovered

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I'm off to some mainland city tomorrow for some enforced family time before I leave the country again. See ya.

I went out to Native Books yesterday to get some kava - illegal in Japan, I think! sob - and the mall to do some more Horrible Work Clothes Shopping, and dropped into two of the hip-hop clothing stores.

There aren't too many African-Americans here, but hip-hop clothing took off in popularity among the locals along with the music I guess. Hip-hop doesn't compare in popularity to reggae (I never went through a Marley phase and don't expect to), but there's a following and you'll see some guys wearing it. From going to Pearlridge mall I think everybody gets most of their clothing from there as there's way more stores, but local brand in4mation has stores in this part of town and I've gotten some stuff from there.

I've always had b-girl tendencies, which you would think is fail since I'm virtually albino. Clothing wise I don't have so much, though I think girls can get away with straying more - boots, a Stussy sweatshirt, a couple of in4mation tees and interchangable 85 million pairs of leggings + minis. (Color hasn't deterred plenty of guys from trying to pick me up, though. I haven't posted the half of it here.)

When I went into in4mation I was the only haole there (even though there was another girl). But later on, a new group of local boys came in and one gave me a little nervous "Sup" nod.

For some reason, it was the cutest thing ever.

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And, you know, I might be white but DOUBLE makes some of the best R&B I've ever heard and isn't African-American either.



(Y'know, that's from her official channel..do they not have the master anymore?...Sad)

I grew up in the eighties, so of course I heard MJ, not to mention Alien Ant Farm's remake of Smooth Criminal. Normally I'm not bothered by major cultural pain, but I had a little "oh!" when I heard about him. When he was a big star I was young enough to register that MJ was important, but since my parents weren't so into him I wasn't a big fan either. (Madonna, on the other hand..)

Mainly, the MJ thing has reminded me of Janet.



Lady can dance.

1) vague sunburn
2) massive breakout

If I'm commenting a lot, it's not because I'm obsessed with any of you, it's because I'm bored. I have things to do - I always could be writing - but nowhere near the intensity level that I'm used to. My makeup is getting more crazy every day, and I may try doing a hairbow tomorrow since someone posted a tutorial...

You could define most of the last two years as "bored". I'm glad to be going to Japan.

Living in Hawaii, going back to Japan, so called "yellow fever" is a topic that's always around.

Back when I was single and totally frustrated since
1) I'm too shy and paranoid to do one-night stands, though I'm not against them in theory
2) There were no interesting/young enough/unmarried guys around me save one who rejected any times I tried to get him to go out as friends
3) My attempts to date women were frustrating, since in the eyes of many lesbians someone can't be "really" bi (okay!)

I'd look on craigslist a lot, in semi-seriousness. I even posted one time, to hilarious results, but that's another story.

I noticed a lot of posts looking for "my dragon lady", Asian girls, etcetera. It was a new phenomenon to me because in the Midwest there aren't too many Asian women and a lot of people are same race only when it comes to dating. Back when I went to anime cons in high school, the boys didn't seem overly into Asian women either: any half-attractive girl that shared their interests and would have sex with them was great in their book.

It was when I studied abroad that I first ran into the Yellow Fever male species. I wasn't friends with any guys then, and I had several gorgeous white female friends who guys were continually after so Yellow Fever wasn't always on my radar, but it was in the periphery. We talked about it in one of my classes and I gained the perspective that the Japanese girls were looking for this "ideal man" that might let them have a career, would help them with housework, and basically eliminate all the problems in modern Japanese marriages. Sometimes they just did it for the exotic factor. Meanwhile, most Japanese guys found white women to be too loud and aggressive (although according to my journal, some of them seemed to be great with hitting on me - more than I remember even).

When I moved to Hawaii "yellow fever" was more rampant, with the Craigslist posts and with me meeting some nerdy guys who were very into the idea of Asian women.

Having studied Japanese culture and lived there I KNOW part of the allure is for the Asian women themselves, that they often have expectations of being treated differently than a child-bearing and rearing machine. If I was being nasty, I could say that they're trying to steal the benefits of Western feminism. But I know it doesn't work that way, that the couples who stay together have mutual respect and love each other and share culture. The couples who are just using each other for fantasies tend to break up, like any other couple in the same situation.

A prejudice against Asian women in general has been creeping up on me. With the percentage of young men who go to Japan and end up with Japanese girlfriends even among those I know, I'm frightened. Young and I have talked about it, and the fear is based mostly in my own lack of self confidence and a smidge of lack of trust in him.

It's also unfair to my Asian friends, who are NOT all drop-dead gorgeous and just want someone to accept them as they are. Same as me.

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I've had several examples of white women dating Japanese men. A very colorful personality during my study abroad, whose oft-homemade clothes were everyone's jealousy, ended up dating a Japanese boy who she could barely communicate with.

Former roommate M is half Japanese, but speaks less of it than I do and is pretty American in her upbringing. The last few months she's been dating a Japanese guy who is 6 years older than she is. They have some issues - he's more serious than she is, for one - but they've been able to work through problems like him asking her to peel apples for him (a common thing in Japan). ("Tell him he's in America and we don't peel apples," I said.) I'm curious to see how their relationship turns out.

Why are there increasing numbers of assholes on everyday_gyaru?

If you don't have constructive criticism or praise for the girls who are brave enough to post photos of themselves, keep it the fuck to yourself. There are a few repeat people who say "I don't like this or that" and don't give suggestions as to how to help. The reason I left fruits was because I just didn't want to expose myself (in any way, including simply by reading) to the constant negativity that was coming out of that comm.

I know people like to chant "The internet is serious business" but guess what? A girl's body, for most of us, is always gonna be the most vulnerable thing we have until some sort of new feminist revolution comes around. If you hurt someone, you could be contributing to already-existing self image issues and could that cause them to hurt themselves. It's part of why I don't post - I know I can't handle it. Constantly complimented, guys hitting on me all the time, a boyfriend for almost a year - and I know I can't handle one or two nasty comments. It's an issue that's getting better all the time, but it's still there.

So when you want to make a nasty comment about anyone's pictures (celebrity, random person you don't know) - stop! Think about it. And then either post constructive criticism, a compliment, or nothing at all.

Dammit, I have a twitter.

I have ANOTHER twitter, too, for people who I know IRL. But I'm coming to the conclusion that This me and Other me have different closets and never the twain shall meet. (To quote Belle du Jour) Unless I get a writing job. Then maybe.

I'll be talking about way more fun things on this twitter, so don't think you're missing anything.

Found out today two of my college friends are engaged. They're not getting married for years, which suits me since I have no money to fly to the mainland in the foreseeable future and I'd like to be there. The news made me giddy, which surprised me along with my desire to go to their wedding, because the last few times people I know have gotten married I haven't wanted to go.



I figured out that it's the feelings toward the person that determine how I feel about their wedding.

Examples:
College friend 1 - Didn't want to go because girl grated on my nerves and also had a weird semi-fallout with my best friend, which we suspect was because best friend had an abortion (what a stupid reason). Went with best friend and her then boyfriend; would have been miserable with no one to talk to otherwise. Traditional, boring ceremony. Got totally trashed at dinner.

College friend of high school friend - asked for my help with something that had to do with her wedding, didn't acknowledge what I did. We are friends, but not very close ones, and she was pressuring me to buy a ticket back to the mainland for her wedding (for which I received a facebook invite for..) when she knows I have no money. (I told my mom this and she was like, "Why would you fly all the way there for that?") I sent a gift, which I don't expect to receive a thank you for.

Finally, I wasn't invited to the wedding of two other college friends this summer. If I hadn't intervened between these two at a certain point they wouldn't be back together, so it's kind of insulting and painful that I wasn't invited especially since said friend keeps announcing wedding planning on her Facebook. I wouldn't go, likely because the female half started acting very strange to me my senior year of college and also because of the no money issue, but I'd send a gift.

It's strange because I'm not that dramatic of a person. I only have one real ex-friend that I blew up at for something stupid she did - I shouldn't have blown up at her, but her idiocy was off the scale at that point - and I only snap at someone if they've said something off-the-charts absurd. Weddings seem to bring out my real feeling toward the person, nevertheless.

Either way, I'm very happy for my friends. Young and my discussions on marriage would merit another huge post, but let's just say if I ever get married I'm either:
1) eloping and/or
2) having a party with friends and family with written invites and thank-yous because that's how I roll.